Just Rip and Tear your way to CRAZY TASTY TOWN!

Living most of my life in California, spam has never been a dietary staple. In fact, we never had it in the house until my mom married a Marine. My only memory of Spam is a camping trip where an aunt who grew up in Arkansas tried to pass it off as bacon. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!

But, needless to say, my step dad grew up on a ranch and was a career Marine so he has an affinity for this peculiar processed pork product. Which means we ALWAYS have spam in the house. In spam's defense, the ingredient list is more simple than most things people eat in a typical day (only 7 items) and I can pronounce everyone and have a vague idea of why it is on the list.

I wasn't looking to mock the meat wonder, I just wanted to look at the Spam Single package because it was so foreign and interesting to me. I was not prepared for the poetry of the packaging. You are in for quiet a treat. Behold, the Spam Single Pouch!

Source

That's right... destination Crazy Tasty Town.

If it was a foreign product, I would think that this poetic packaging is just bad Engrish or something lost in translation. But it's not. It is made by Hormel in the good ol' USA.

The back of the packaging is where the real gems lie. At the top of the package is the dotted line where you rip and tear your way to tasty town with insightful instructions:


"A solid line would say 'NO! DO NOT CROSS!' but this one is dotted. Feel free to enter"

Alright, enter we will! Thanks for the clarification

Not sure how to prepare this pre-cooked gourmet masterpiece? I wasn't sure either because the baking instructions read:


"TO BAKE: Use your oven, turn the appropriate knobs, and bake at 475 for 10 minutes"

Crap! Our oven doesn't have knobs! I guess I will just have to use the microwave to "Nuke it until SPAM is good and hot"

I didn't bother reading the nutritional information because someone in my family actually eats this stuff and I don't want to be seriously concerned for their health.

Source

Now this is where the best stuff lies. introducing the SPAM Idea o'Wheel. Not sure what to do with your SPAM single? Hormel suggests you "make a necklace" by threading a ribbon through the hole at the top of package and wearing it around you neck, like flava-flav. Our packages at home also suggest that you buy the larger can of SPAM because "4x the SPAM means quadruple the flavor". The judges are still out on that one.

And for the grand finale, I saved the best for last. Here is the insightful prose to the left of the Idea o'Wheel, the "Meaning of SPAM singles":

"Isn't this the most easy and convenient SPAM ever? SPAM singles are already cooked. This might just blow your mind. For your own safety, stop thinking about how easy SPAM Singles will make your life. It's time to enjoy. Take another bite and throw your head back and think wonderful thoughts of faraway places while you chew. Like a magical SPAM castle in the sky and what a delicious and convenient visit you'd have. This is the meaning of SPAM singles."

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Now go buy a SPAM single and put it on your coffee table as a conversation piece.

Favorite Marathon T-Shirts

"Not high maintenance, just high mileage"
"My sport is your sport's punishment"
"All marathons are 26.2 miles"
"It's that damn .2 that really kicks your ass"
"Find your happy pace"
"The only good race pace is suicide pace, and today looks like a good day to die" (Steve Prefontaine)
"If you can read this, I'm not last!"
"Any idiot can run. It takes a special idiot to run a marathon"
"If your going to run cross country, start with a small country"
"If I don't get a runner's high, there's always plan Beer"
"Not tonight honey, I have a race in the morning"
"26.2 pass the weak, hurdle the dead"
"Ultra Running: Because Oprah killed the marathon"
"I have a run track mind"

All of them can be found at Cafe Press. I obviously couldn't sleep tonight due to sunburn and sore legs. Someday they will all apply to me. Enjoy!

Dreadmills

Workout: 5 miles OUTSIDE. UNDER 1 HOUR. WOOT!!!!! Last time I ran this route I decided it was time to go to the doctor because it felt like I had a metatarsal stress fracture. Luckily, I just have jacked up hooves and nothing was broken. Five pain free miles today, I am so stinkin' excited!

Last night I was soooo excited about my blog award I did an extra 20 on the elliptical after my 30 on the dreadmill. Thats minutes, not miles in case you are confused. Forgot my headphones, so I had to make up the dialog for the TV in my head, which actually made the time fly by. And, it led me to start my top 5 ways to make dreadmill less dreadful:

Source (Check Mark Parisi out, he has some funny stuff!)

* Watch TV without the sound on and make up the dialog as you go along. I imagine this works really well if you have a gym buddy and you can roll play. Especially if your gym gets Univision. I am sure the people on the dreadmills around you will not be annoyed or offended by this in any way shape or form.

* Pick a ridiculously hard workout what is broken into intervals. That way, as you are cursing the dreadmill's existence, you know you have only 30 more seconds of 8 mph pace and 7.0 incline. People will be really impressed with your 4 letter vocabulary, as well as with how fast your legs can move on an impossible incline (note: don't try this with wet shoes... you will fall off the dreadmill).

* Run when there are super macho guys on the weight machines right next to the dreadmills. I use the gym at my apartment complex, and it is pretty small, so this is not difficult. The harder you run, the harder they have to grunt and increase their weights/rep so they can keep up with you. If you can get past how gross it is to hear guttural grunting and moaning from someone you don't know, it is extremely entertaining to mess around with these types. There is this guy who every time I increase my pace or incline, he grunts a little louder. It sounds like he is trying to pinch one off. One time there was another woman in the gym with me and we could barely contain out laughter as this was happening.

* Run like you are rocky. And get really into it. Shadow box like you are in the fight of your life. Maybe say the names of co-workers, ex boyfriends, or neighbors who you would love to sock it to them. If you are alone, it will entertain you until your arms get tired. If there are people around, they will be entertained/frighten of you, which is awesome. They will probably wish they were your friend. And, you will be working your upper body and core. Sweet.

* Run when there are other people around. They you can eavesdrop on their conversations. I used to feel bad at first for doing this, but when I realized that most the time these people are gossiping about other people at the gym, I felt entitled to listen. For instance, these neighbors (and older couple) hired a physical trainer to come in and do session in the common gym. Thats cool. But the trainer was super loud and the people were super awkward, it took everything not to stare (and not join in, she had an awesome routine). Once they left, the other two ladies on the dreadmills next to me went off about how annoying it was to have that super perky lady in there. They didn't realize she was the personal trainer, just a super perky red head, so they pretty much came across like idiots. So entertaining.

Ok, I am a shallow, insecure person who gets joy from making others uncomfortable and laughing at the idiocy of those around me. But I assure you, I am not the type to pass gas in an elevator or intentionally trip a stranger for a good laugh. I think people are amusing enough to make me laugh without being provoked. The grunting guy was something I just accidently stumbled upon and has been a gem ever since. And to be honest, I haven't done the rocky in front of people because I am a pansy, but I will do it when I am alone. Tomorrow I am probably just going to work on form on the dreadmill. The way my feet were just flopping around on the pavement this morning was pitiful. I probably looked like Pinnochio.

On a final note, the Bachelor starts January 3rd. So stoked for the new season and the snarky recaps at Daydream Believer. JF said he would watch with me as long as it isn't The Bachelorette. Something about not wanting to watch a bunch of guys go after one girl. If I didn't get to just make fun of the girls on the Bachelor, I am pretty sure I wouldn't want to watch it either. without the humor, that show makes me feel super insecure. Little does JF know, I am pretty much basing our Tahiti trip on the season finale of The Bachelorette (well, he probably knows now because I am pretty sure he reads this). If I don't swim with sting rays, I might throw a huge fit. Maybe I am going to have to school him on the Ali season. Is that on Netflix yet? Is this too much pressure on a guy? Lol. I mean, I missed the season finale because he came over with a bottle wine to hang out, and I couldn't say no. I was going to apply to be on the Bachelor before I got my job in Napa. I totally thought I could be the next Ali. I'm just saying..... Tahiti better be all I am building it up to be. I know, I am totally unreasonable and delusion :)