Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Just Rip and Tear your way to CRAZY TASTY TOWN!

Living most of my life in California, spam has never been a dietary staple. In fact, we never had it in the house until my mom married a Marine. My only memory of Spam is a camping trip where an aunt who grew up in Arkansas tried to pass it off as bacon. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!

But, needless to say, my step dad grew up on a ranch and was a career Marine so he has an affinity for this peculiar processed pork product. Which means we ALWAYS have spam in the house. In spam's defense, the ingredient list is more simple than most things people eat in a typical day (only 7 items) and I can pronounce everyone and have a vague idea of why it is on the list.

I wasn't looking to mock the meat wonder, I just wanted to look at the Spam Single package because it was so foreign and interesting to me. I was not prepared for the poetry of the packaging. You are in for quiet a treat. Behold, the Spam Single Pouch!

That's right... destination Crazy Tasty Town.

If it was a foreign product, I would think that this poetic packaging is just bad Engrish or something lost in translation. But it's not. It is made by Hormel in the good ol' USA.

The back of the packaging is where the real gems lie. At the top of the package is the dotted line where you rip and tear your way to tasty town with insightful instructions:

"A solid line would say 'NO! DO NOT CROSS!' but this one is dotted. Feel free to enter"

Alright, enter we will! Thanks for the clarification

Not sure how to prepare this pre-cooked gourmet masterpiece? I wasn't sure either because the baking instructions read:

"TO BAKE: Use your oven, turn the appropriate knobs, and bake at 475 for 10 minutes"

Crap! Our oven doesn't have knobs! I guess I will just have to use the microwave to "Nuke it until SPAM is good and hot"

I didn't bother reading the nutritional information because someone in my family actually eats this stuff and I don't want to be seriously concerned for their health.

Now this is where the best stuff lies. introducing the SPAM Idea o'Wheel. Not sure what to do with your SPAM single? Hormel suggests you "make a necklace" by threading a ribbon through the hole at the top of package and wearing it around you neck, like flava-flav. Our packages at home also suggest that you buy the larger can of SPAM because "4x the SPAM means quadruple the flavor". The judges are still out on that one.

And for the grand finale, I saved the best for last. Here is the insightful prose to the left of the Idea o'Wheel, the "Meaning of SPAM singles":

"Isn't this the most easy and convenient SPAM ever? SPAM singles are already cooked. This might just blow your mind. For your own safety, stop thinking about how easy SPAM Singles will make your life. It's time to enjoy. Take another bite and throw your head back and think wonderful thoughts of faraway places while you chew. Like a magical SPAM castle in the sky and what a delicious and convenient visit you'd have. This is the meaning of SPAM singles."

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Now go buy a SPAM single and put it on your coffee table as a conversation piece.

1 comment:

  1. Ive decided that I like Warren more ( I mean, I already liked him) since he shares my affinity for spiced canned meat.