Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Mother's Daughter

“People are intimidated by independence. They will find it hard to approach you and hard to relate to you. They will assume you don’t need anyone or anything, but that is not true. It is hard, if not impossible, to find a balance.”

Thanks Mom, this explains so much. We are built from the same mold; I am my mother's daughter.

And thanks to the people in my life who recognize this, and do what they can to help me find the balance.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The thing about writing...

Word on the street is that to be a good writer, one of the things you need to do is write. Often. In my attempts to be a great writer some day, this blog will serve as my dumping ground. A series of really bad first drafts of things that maybe, just maybe, will appear in polished form, bound and published for your reading pleasure for sale on the shelf of Borders or even a cute little independent bookseller. But, probably not, as they will be much too mundane and whiny for America's palate.

Thought of the day:

Some people loose sight of their potential because they are not prepared for failure.
(Yes, I did come up with that on my own!)

I have gained an appreciation for my failures because they have helped bring the big picture into focus. Because my career in higher education did not work out, I discovered my passion for teaching. Why will I be a really good teacher? Because I have taught some really bad lessons. My practice at making mistakes has turned out to be pretty good practice for life. My favorite little saying right now "Luck is the when opportunity meets preparation." Now that I feel prepared, lets hope I am open to opportunity (read: someone please hire me for the next school year!)

As I get older, I notice that I put more value on the opinions of others. I am becoming more aware of what people are really trying to say, behind their correct words. I stop and think about why people are trying to tell me these things, and how I might have it all wrong. When I feel like I have it all figured out, that is when it seems I really don't have it figured out at all. I take a stand, and my mother tells me to calm down and wait it out. What?!? Instead of rebel, I let this marinate. Maybe I am the crazy one after all...

This week my supervisor tells me, for the hundredth time, to take it easy on myself. Don't be such a harsh critic. My master teacher nods and smiles in agreement. He believes that how I dialog with myself will transfer to how I dialog with students. When I hear this, I want to toss it out, because that is just who I am. That is what has made me successful, that is my survival skill. Believe me, I hear it a lot. Yet, I can't toss it out anymore. I am not sure how I can be successful without that critical devil siting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. But for the first time, I feel like maybe they are on to something. I need to be closer to my angel, who always sings words of encouragement. I thought I was making progress here, but it is clear I am backsliding.

Sometimes I feel as if everyone else can see the simple solutions for my life, and I can't even figure out where it is broken. I just know something doesn't feel right. It is if there is this code language that people speak to you, they are trying to help you make good decisions and find happiness. But it takes forever to figure out the code. Why can't everything be more clear? Why can't I decipher the code?

Will it always be this way? Will I ever have it all figured out? Will I ever find satisfaction if I do not? As I try to figure out where life is taking me, I stop and wonder, "who is driving this crazy bus?"